Helen Argers Novelist, Humorist, Poet!

Join Helen's World . . .

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Coming The New Year Here Are  Some Words of Wisdom  From  Emily Bronte Above  Who is looking at you and wanting you to hear her.                                                                            

EMILY  BRONTE'S  MESSAGE IS ONE WORD  --WE OUGHT ALL TO FOLLOW IN 2017   

IT IS THE LAST WORD SHE SAID BEFORE SHE DIED  AND THE WORD SHE OFTEN USED IN HER POEMS'

IT IS     COURAGE!

THE  LAST LINE OF HER POEM WAS "  ALL THAT I IMPLORE

 

                                                                       THROUGH LIFE AND DEATH

                                                                        A  CHAINLESS  SOUL    

                                                                       WITH COURAGE TO ENDURE!"

 

 

 

W.B. YEATS   HAS SOME WORDS FOR THE NEW YEAR  TOO .  I DON'T HAVE HIS PICTURE  BUT I HAVE HIS WORDS

 

 

"THE WORLD IS FULL OF MAGIC THINGS, PATIENTLY WAITING FOR OUR SENSES TO GROW SHARPER"

AND SO I WISH  ANY WHO COME TO MY WEBSITE  FOR THE NEW YEAR

COURAGE, COURAGE, COURAGE   AND A  SHARPER SENSES   TO   ENJOY EACH DAY  DESPITE WHAT  COMES YOUR WAY. 

 

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title  WHY DO WE LAUGH?    AND WHY LAUGHTER IS NECESSARY TODAY?

NEw W HUMOR  COLUMN:  

titleJANUARY 2016  RESOLUTIONS  -- CAN YOU KEEP THEM?  HELEN ARGERS' COLUMN IN SEVENTEEN NEWSPAPERS. 

Click to add text, images, and other content

title  ANNOUNCEMENT:  SAINT MARTIN'S PRESS OR MACMILLLAIN WILL SOON BE PUBLISHING AN e BOOK OF MY NOVEL  "THE GILDED LILY"  HARDCOVER STILL SELLING WELL  PRINT ON DEMAND.  

Click to add text, images, and other content

titleFebruary  Snow Storms Have Humorous  Moments:  Read my article in 17 newspapers.  Free to you below.

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

titleMy column in 17 newspapers for Thanksgiving.  A Pilgrim drops in to check up USA today

C

title    iT'S HALLOWEEN --TIME TO UNCOVER THE SECRET DAILY COSTUMES OF CELEBRITIES.  AND TO REVEAL HOW WE ALL MASK OURSELVES

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title --READ MY COLUMNS IN 17 NEWSPAPERS ON CURRENT TOPICS THAT CRY OUT TO BE JABBED. 

Click to add text, images, and other content

title  MY HALLOWEEN COLUMN THAT APPEARED IN 14 NEWSPAPERS.  

CliAck to add text, images, and other content

titleFeeling let down?   read my new column on how to break out of the blues --published in 17 newspapers. 

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

 images, and other conte

Do You Love Shakespeare --Why Is He Being Cut From Required in Colleges.   Read his Response In My Current Newspaper Column in 17 Newspapers

titleHAPPY  MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL  SEE MY HUMOR COLUMN IN 17 NEWSPAPERS 

Click  READ MY HUMOR COLUMNS THAT REGULARLY   APPEAR IN 17 NEWSPAPERS . 

title

 

title ---April  is The Time To Fool Around  The Whole Month 

Click to add text, images, and other content

tMARCH   2015   HUMOR COLUMN ABOUT THE BIGGEST SECRET  MARCH HAS e

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title VALENTINE'S DAY  HUMOR COLUMN BY HELEN ARGERS IN 17 NEWSPAPERS

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

                                        HELEN    ARGERS  --YOU'LL LOVE TO SMILE WITH HER

   

                               Called:  "A  talent of major  magnitude."  Compared to

                                         classic writes: Jane Austen,  Emily Bronte, 

                                        Edith  Wharton  with a touch of Oscar Wilde.

    You've seen her ten published novels and reviews.

Now Read Samples of Helen's Humor Columns.  

  Here Helen  reveals her other side.    As well as a novelist, she has for over ten  years been a popular humor columnist for over seventeen newspapers.  The topics of her humor columns have included: 

                 "Celebrities Taking Over Our Government" 

                  "What Do Your Christmas Cards Reveal About The Inner You"

                  "Smile, You're An American!"

                  "How About Applause For All Of Us!"

                  "Tweet You,  Shakespeare!"                     

        "Smile, You're An American!" was a winner in a humor column contest.  This one discussed how smiling is obligatory in America as sneering is in France.  And aplomb in England.  It begins:  "Look at your mouth.  It is the most important feature in America today.  Americans must have the largest mouths on the planet, for we are offered triple portions of food, giant glasses of Smoothies and Lattes and quadruple-decker sandwiches without thought of the size of the mouths required to open wide enough to shove it all in."  It goes on to jab about the way Americans have to smile through every situation to be considered 'good sports.'                                             

                One that has caused amazing reaction is: "Tweet You, Shakespeare!"  There Helen turns the greatest classic lines from Shakespeare to Lincoln to Dorothy Parker into short tweets. 

Here's one example of her twittering away the greatest statements into Tweets.  From Thomas Jefferson's: "Declarations of Independence" Or:  "We hold these truths to be self-evident; that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."  Her Tweet version:  "Happy Birthday, USA -- feel free and party on!" 

  From the Bible's Psalms --XXXIII :   "He maketh me to lie down in green pastures."  

                                                               Her Tweet version:  "Go green!" 

 Christopher Marlow's, "Was this the face that launch'd a thousand ships, and burnt the topless towers of Illiam?. . .  Sweet Helen, make me immortal with a kiss!"  

          Her Tweet version:  "Helen, gal, your face got me burning.                                                              Kiss me, babe." 

           And more from Shakespeare, Lincoln, Mark Twain etc..

A teacher has already responded to the Tweet one by saying she would like to use that column to teach her class the classics in reverse. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Cd

                                             

 

 

 t THANKSGIVING  COLUMN   NOVEMBER   2014 --

         WHAT TO BE THANKFUL FOR  HAVING  AND  FOR NOT HAVING.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AL 

 

 

       

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    

SEE HELEN ARGERS' HUMOR COLUMNS APPERARING MONTHLY IN 17 NEWSPAPERS

 

 

 

 

ERS  

 

 

 

 

 COMMUNICATION  ARTICLE:  

 

AN  ABRIDGED WORLD HISTORY OF HUMAN COMMUNICATION

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

        MY   JULY FOURTH COLUMN 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  MY  CURRENT HUMOR COLUMN FOR JUNE 2014  

                                                   

 

   THE MOST DANGEROUS PUNCTUATION  MARK                                               

                              That's an ASTERICKS.    Such a little mark.   Here take a look at it yourself.  *  Pretty small, huh?   It's like a tiny little bug, a bedbug that crawls through our lives and bites us when we least expect it.   It's the dreaded, all-purpose asterisk, useful to every advertising guru, spin doctor and polotician.

 

 

 

                                          

                             

 

 

 

 

 

 

MY  MAY  HUMOR COLUMN F-HONORING MOTHER'S DAY

                  AND THE IMPORTANCE OF HUGGING THOSE YOU LOVE.

  

                                                            HUG YOURSELF HAPPY – FOR MAY

                                                              by   Helen Argers*

It’s May --a happy time of the year.   We’ve finally got rid of Winter’s icy blasts.  And  we  don’t  yet have to worry about sun-stroke or blood-thirsty mosquitoes coming in the summer.   Spring is here.  Rejoice.  

But wait!  I hear a reader saying, “Yeah?  Isn’t May Day when everybody dances around  a Maypole?  Not me!   Besides I’m certain something bad will happen.”  

My answer; “Do you love your mother?”    And every reader nods – all of us agreeing   May has to be a good month with Mother’s Day in it.  After all, mothers give us something more than  flowers and Spring.  They give us all ourselves.

            Further,  mothers gave us our first hug.   Mama knew before scientists discovered it that hugs are what make us feel safe, secure and happy even to be born.             Generally, everything I write in my humor column is supposed to  be taken with a  GRIN.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

           Now I’m going further, making certain you’ll live your whole life grinning.   How do I do that?  By giving you the secret to a happy life.  Something I’d be paid big bucks for, but I’m such sweet altruistic type, I’m giving it to you for free.    I call it – ‘Touch System.’  

            Step One:  Easy.  Touch everybody -- physically or emotionally. . The best way is simply Hug, Hug everyone.

“What?” you ask.  “I can’t do that.  They’d sock me.”    And I say, you don’t have to be an indiscriminate hugger.  But if someone says something nice to you, why have we become so inhibited that we just coldly say, “Eh, thanks.”   Not enough!  You must reach over and give a hug.  Not a quick bump and break away.    But a real one -- holding on for at least 20 seconds.  Has to be that long to be effective.   Of course if the person pushes you away, you can give them  the scientific explanation I’m giving you. 

It’s all in our hormones.  Everybody has them. Hormones determine how one feels.    Oxytocin is the hormone released that makes you feel happy; even floods away your most  stick-to-you blues or whenever you feel yourself all a’twitter. 

 No, I don’t mean on Twitter.  That’s where everyone usually tweets facts about themselves that don’t concern you.  You feel bombarded by “Hey, I just won an award.”   Or:  “News, I just ate a bagel.”  That has you near to saying, “You’re all a bunch of Twits!”  But Twitter also has moments that give you an oxytocin rush – or when suddenly everybody starts ‘favoring’ your personal tweets, and you feel tweet-complete.   

Back to hugging and how right it is to especially hug your mother.   Recently the news showed a photo from a New York zoo of a just born baby gorilla.  That’s a rare exposure for usually gorilla moms hug their babies so close no one can get near enough to snap a photo.   That’s proof of this theory of Touch,   Whatever the species, Mama knows best, giving her baby the first hug and baby feels the relaxing flooding of oxytoxin and more hugs ever after. 

 Yet growing up we  more likely want to protect our personal space.  Not realizing why we feel so isolated.  Bring back the hugs! This oxytocin theory is backed by science and endorsed by  Dr. Oz who has his own program, “The Dr. Oz Show.”  Scientists along with all the other pills shoved at us are working to create a happy pill out of oxytoxin.  But why buy it, when we can make it ourselves?  Again, hugging is the easiest way to infuse it.  Lovers prove that closeness assures a happily ever after relationship.   Dr. Oz also suggested  having sex in the morning, but I’m too modest to bring that up.  Oops, I just did. 

Other less sensual ways of getting your oxytocin going is reading novels or watching movies that are called, ‘tear-jerkers’ or those which move your heart   Skip the frightening vampire and zombie books and films. Read ones that give you comfort boosts.   True, there aren’t many of those from industries that like to keep us on edge with killer-dillers,   Defensive trick:  watch those while holding someone’s hand.

          Last suggestion.  To assure tranquility, turn to the one person who never lets you down or is never too busy to bother about your troubles. Yourself.   Yes, use your own imagination.  Think joyous thoughts.  Create your own novels with deliriously happy endings.   I’ve written ten novels published by Doubleday, St. Martin’s Press and HarperCollins  -- all having happy outcomes during which I got lots of oxytocin jolts and later gave readers the same rush from the  bunches of letters sent me.  Also, truthfully, I’m feeling the same as I write this.   In fact, I’m sending some good hormones your way right now because I sense you are all exceptionally bright and worth having a continuous happy life.   In short, I’m giving you all a huge hug.  And it’s not a shorty, but one that lasts and lasts, longer than the required twenty-seconds.

            Oxytocin to  us all!  And deep, long hugs.

                                                             #

*Helen Argers is an award-winning novelist, playwright and poet.  See these and previous humor columns at www:helenargrs.com/humor.      

 

 

 

     ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 MY CURRENT HUMOR COLUMN FOR  APRIL  2014

  This is my new column under "Art of Laughter" that is printed in the seventeen newspapers for April  2014, It is my selection of those who deserve to wear a Jester's cap for April Fool. 

 There is one man  who recently fits Paul Simon's song as his new theme. See if you can guess who it is and what the song is.  Clue:  It has Bridge in the titlel Then read my  column below and you will see why he among others fits my  April's Fools Day List.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

March 2014 --  Humor Column celebrating Women's Month

 

   

                                                                                        

 

   "        

Mostly sport stars are considered champions in our society.  In Helen Argers' humor column above, she writes:  "In this year's Olympics several women did the U. S. proud.  Our Gold Medal skating couple got their picture on a Wheaties' box as champions.  That's great, but how about Susan B. Anthony's picture on Wheaties' boxes every March.  A fitting tribute telling every woman she is a  CHAMPION too." 

 Helen further made that point visual by cutting out a picture of Susan and putting  that photo on a Wheaties box.  (See  pix above.)   Susan finally will get the reward she never got in life. Read the rest  above and see where else Helen wants to stick Susan's head!

 But in case you don't feel like searching through the whole column, I'll quote the relevant sentance.  "How about pushing aside the big heads of Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Roosevelt and inserting a woman's head on Mount Rushmore?"

   If we can't do that perhaps the head of our first woman president -- who would finally have broken through the glass ceiling -- can have her head on a mountainside all by herself." 

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  

                Come back next month for Helen's new  Humor Column  for her "Art of Laughter" column that appears every month in the newspaper, if she remembers to send us her column.

                      HAPPY WOMEN'S MONTH TO ALL THE WOMEN AND ALL THE MEN

                    WHO LOVE THEIR WOMEN. And To all who love a good laugh.

 

 

 

 

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title   WHAT'S YOUR REACTION  IN 2017 TO LIVING NOW IN A TOTAL  COMPUTER WORLD  SEE MYCOLUMN IN 18 NEWSPAPERS

   pAlick to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content

title

Click to add text, images, and other content