Helen Argers Novelist, Humorist, Poet!

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title If you are interested in Mark Twains View of Today's political Status Read m

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title     Straightened Out Computer World Column  by Helen Argers --In 17 newspapers monthly 

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title    COMPUTER  WORLD GIVES ONE DAILY PROBLEMS --READ MY COLUMN IN 18 NEWSPAPERS 

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titleHow do  HHow do you like living in a Computerized World?   Had enough?  Not Enough?   Read my column in 18 newspapers  Agree?

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IS  THERE  LAUGHTER IN THE TIME OF SORROW  

title Ever  Wonder What Statue of Liberty Thinks -about our country or just private thoughts.   My column in 17 newspapers

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titl      HUNANITY FIRST DATE   WHICH EXPLAINES RESULT OF OUR LAST ELECTION

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title         New HUMOR  PAGE WHEN LIFE DOESN'T SEEM WORTH A LAUGH  OR EVEN A SMILE  

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title                 CURRENT HUMOR COLUMN BY HELEN ARGERS

                          HUMOR NEWSPAPER COLUMNS BY HELEN ARGERS

 

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Worrall Community Newspapers 12/19/2013

Copyright (c)2013 Worrall Community Newspapers, Inc, Edition 12/19/2013 December 20, 2013 9:56 am / Powered by TECNAVIA

 

 WHAT DID NEW JERSEY DO TO MAKE  THIS COUNTRY  FROM MANY ONE?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 TODAY WE NEED DIFFERENT SANTAS BEHIND THE BEARD

by Helen  Argers             (THE ART OF LAUGHTER)

It's festive time. Aside from parades in which Santa is

the high point, there are pseudo-Santas popping up on

every street corner. Santas everywhere. Many people are

getting tired of the old fat man with a beard. So now I'm

introducing you to several new today-Santa candidates who

are eager to take his job, and their pros and cons.

• A Liberal-leaning Santa Claus. He believes we must all

be one nation, joined in singing kumbaya carols, even when

we want to be alone. He frowns on gifts of guns, even play

guns. Rather, he gives educational books or apps for your

Ipads or games, such as chess, that will improve your mind.

This Santa will not look at all like the old one. He certainly

won't be dressed in furs, believing that wearing such is antianimals.

Also, he will frown on cookies and milk as a

reward, rejecting the high-calorie cookies and, unless the

milk is skim, he would rather have green tea and a layout of

healthy broccoli florets and spinach leaves. Nor would this

Santa have a pipe, refusing to bring polluting smoke into

millions of people's environments. Nor would his sleigh be

dragged about in the cold night air by poor reindeer, fearing

the wrath of the ASPCA. His transport is a helicopter,

which he pilots himself, and he also deposits his gifts at

your door, respecting your privacy.

• A Tea Party Santa Claus. He prefers not giving any

gifts, due to his strong philosophy that everyone ought to

work for whatever one gets. Also he blames the whole idea

of Santa as the reason children expect to be constantly

given gifts. That's why they grow up as “takers” expecting

handouts, such as Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid.

Santa, the gift-giver, has trained people in this country to

expect the “givers” to be those with a Santa's image — or a

rich old man world traveler, dressed in expensive furs with

his own luxury transportation and carrying a large, redvelour

bag from which he gives children everything. For

that generosity he gets mighty little in return, just milk and

cookies.

Yes, it is clearly Santa's fault that we all grow up expecting

rich men and fur-wrapped women — symbols of the 1

percenters — to continue handouts to the majority, aka “the

takers.” And as for gifts, this Santa would prefer to continue

his policy of giving gifts only to other rich men, but since

that is his assignment, he will bring children Ayn Rand

novels and guns for all, with no background checks necessary.

Furthermore, instead of “Help Thy Neighbor” carols,

he belts out, "I Did It My Way."

• Martha Stewart as Santa Claus. She will come dressed

with just a touch of fur on her hat, but basically wear a business

suit under her apron. Her gifts are all strictly household

items, such as a lovely lacquer bowl for elegantly displaying

fruit that can double as a mixing bowl when making

cookies before a television camera.

Her main gift item is thank-you notes. That’s how she

trains the next generation to do “the correct thing,” by

doing it the Martha way.

• Oprah Winfrey as Santa Claus. Since she is auctioning

off several housefuls of possessions to buy all new possessions,

she will not come to your house, or go down the

chimney, feeling that is beneath her dignity — and she

might get stuck, too. But she does invite everyone on

Christmas Eve to her auction that includes these items: a

favorite chair with the impression of her own rump, a

blouse in 17 colors that has gotten too tight for her, a waffle

iron which has not been cleaned from the very waffles

Oprah herself once ate, all the novels she endorsed with her

signature rather than the author's names that we have all

forgotten anyway, copies of O: The Oprah Magazine with

her picture on each cover, and lastly, puppies fathered by

her own dogs that have been trained to clap when she

enters.

Others who offered to portray Santa and were rejected

include such volunteers as the Kardashians, and even Miley

Cyrus, who would probably give everyone their choice of

two gifts: their own singing kitten or a personal strip pole.

If you have any additional today-Santa suggestions, please

let me know. But finally, perhaps it is best to stick with our

old familiar Santa Claus, pipe and all, since no one else

could equal the way he shouts out, "Happy Christmas to all,

and to all a good night!"

Last tip: Kiss your Santa this Christmas, whoever he or

she is. Even if it's yourself.

Helen Argers is an award-winning novelist,

playwright and poet. In addition to 10 novels

published by major publishers, she currently

has a nonfiction humor book in auction with

several editors. See her website: www:helenargers.

com.

Today we need different Santas behind the beardRT OF LAUGHTER

BY HELEN ARGERS

 

---------------------------------------------------------PEARED IN SEVENTEEN NEWSPAPERS  -- WORRALL NEWS

 

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IT’S THANKSGIVING, BE GREATFUL, READY OR NOT.

by  Helen Argers*

            And so the day we have all been dreading is finally coming.  It will soon be Thanksgiving.  A day when we are all forced to be thankful, even though this year didn’t give us much to jump for joy.   But, here, I go, being thankful. 

            First and foremost, (Grit your teeth reading this one as I am writing it) I am grateful to PSE&G for finally restoring my lights and heat after the surprise October storm.  With this proviso.  They had us all waiting too long to do it.   Some of us, including me, were without power for almost six days of chilling, mind-numbing cold with only a miserable stream of light from a flickering flashlight.  The first day I, and most of us, went through it calmly, hopefully.  The same, the second. But on the third came anger.  On the fourth, fear.  On the fifth despair.  Days when a freezer wasn’t a freezer but a teaser as the ice cream spilled trippingly through that compartment and ice cubes turned to tepid water slots and the whole refrigerator turned into just a cupboard or a warm, dark, scary place breeding who knows what.    

            Still I am grateful to PSE&G even when by the third day and others on my block got lights on and I didn’t.  I called to ask why and they answered my desperate call with, “You know there’s a power outage!”   I could almost hear the shrug as the ‘representative’ said, “Maybe you have a line down at your house.”   No, we did not, I said, and I was then given the usual speech of promising power would turn on by tomorrow at midnight.  Why midnight? I wondered.  The witching hour?  Nevertheless, I waited in the dark, lying in my bed in my winter coat and fur hat watching my watch as it came to 11PM, then 11:30 PM and then the magic or witching hour, 12 midnight struck.   But No, my lights did not come on. Meaning PSE&G had fooled me again.

            On the sixth day of living in the cold and dark, I spotted a PSE&G truck driving by and I waved him down asking why my power had not returned when others’ had?   The PSE&G guy, (never got his name, I’ll call him Frank, because he was frank with me,) looked up at the lines and  said, “The problem is with the transformer, over there in front of that house a half a block away from yours.  It has to be reset.  Then your house and a few others round here will have lights.”   That’s it? I thought.  So I asked the natural next thing:  “Please, would you reset it?”  He shook his head.  Wrong union, apparently.   What I had to do, Frank urged, was to call PSE&G and tell them the problem.  Me! tell this big corporation what the problem was?  Okay, at that point I would have climbed a ladder to fix the lines myself.  I made the call.  Rather than begging, this time in an authoritative tone, I said, “I am relaying orders from PSE&G workers that the transformer before house 98 on my block has to be reset immediately.” (That was my own idea to stick in ‘immediately.’) But Lo and behold rather than the usual “Sorry, there is nothing we can do about it”-- this time, she said, “I’ll transfer your message.”

            I really did not have much hope at that point, but in about half an hour, I saw another PSE&G truck arrive and a gentleman got out carrying a long stick.  He just reached up and hit something on the line.  And, yes, yes YES!  my power went on immediately.  I could not grasp that was all that had to be done after all these days.  One second!  One poke.  And presto-chango the lights came on!  And I and others were allowed to return to civilization, feeling my house warming around me and lights everywhere.  Turned them all on!   A slight setback in my euphoria came the next morning when I had to fill five large trash bags with spoiled food  but  at least I was grateful to hear the refrigerator  purring once again and seeing an actual ice cube, frozen!  Bliss.

            Aside from all that, what else am I grateful for.  That I’m not living in Connecticut.  That Frank was frank with me.   That not since then have we had another winter storm.  (Knock wood.)   That my computer turned on and showed how many of my friends did not have any problem at all.  “Oh, yes, we only lost a day and I don’t understand all the fuss!”  Also I found I had missed many appointments and invitations -- most I didn’t want to attend, so now I had a real excuse instead of having to make one up.  Also, most of all, I am grateful that there was a Thomas Edison and whoever invented gas heat.   But in the end I am most grateful to PSE&G for helping me learn the meaning of Thanksgiving.  For like the pilgrims after a year of privation saw a new harvest and they celebrated their joy, so I now celebrate heat and light.  And on Thanksgiving in the pilgrim’s spirit, I will be feasting with hot food and lights -- Mother Nature and PSE&G willing.

 

 

 THIS COLUMN APPEARED IN SEVENTEEN NEWSPAPERS THE WEEK BEFORE THANKSGIVING.  IF YOU HAD A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE WITH PSE&G  OR ANY OTHER POWER COMPANY I  KNOW YOU WILL ENJOY THIS.  I'D LIKE TO HEAR YOUR EXPERIENCES.

 

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                                     HELEN ARGERS' HUMOR COLUMNS APPEAR IN SEVENTEEN NEWSPAPERS.  

            Some of the favorites voted by her fans were the ones where she described what different kinds of Christmas card secretly reveal about the sender-- most not very complimentary. 

           Another recent favorite: "TWEET YOU, SHAKESPEARE!" 

      AT TAKES THE MAJOR CLASSIC QUOTES AND GIVES THE TWEET VERSIONS.                       

      

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